Dear Mom, I Was Your Child Not Your Pawn
73I have wanted to write about this for some time and now I have the courage to do so. I am writing from my own personal experience and hope that any parent that is going through a custody battle will stop and listen to my voice. The voice of a child. I am no longer that child, as I am 41 years old now, but I have spent a great deal of my life trying to get over, run away from, cope and understand what I have been through as a child. So again, if you are going through this please listen to my words and think about your own children.
If I could write a letter to my mother, this is what it would say:
Dear Mom,
I still remember the morning I woke up, after my sixth birthday, and you were nowhere to be found. I looked all over the house but I could not find you. I ran to daddy and asked him where you were, but he didn't know. Later that day we realized that you had left for good. That became clear to us when you never called to check on your kids throughout that day and you never came home that night. All day long I was so upset. By night time, I could not go to sleep. I needed to hear your voice. I had never been away from you before this.
It was weeks before we heard where you had gone. All four of your children missed you so much. We could barely eat, didn't want to play. We felt abandoned and sad. When we talked to you on the phone you never explained why you left. We were only allowed to say hello and nothing more. I thought you didn't love me anymore.
You came back a year later but only took one. Why did you leave the rest of us? Why? Throughout the next year you barely called us. When you did, you would tell me that my daddy was bad. I was always in tears every time I heard your voice. I was starting second grade and I needed you. Throughout that year I developed a problem of not being able to talk at school. I would only whisper to the teachers but did not talk to even one child throughout that year. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with me. Daddy was never home and we were always at Mrs. Riley's house. She tried to love us and give us what we needed but she wasn't you.
You finally came back the summer before I started third grade and daddy let you take me and sis to Texas (where you now call home) for the summer. I never wanted to be away from you. You had to work all day and would leave me and sis by ourselves then come home and be so stressed and tired that we hardly enjoyed that summer besides getting to be with you. We also got to meet your new boyfriend. By the end of the summer you had to bring us back home.
I was shocked when daddy said that my little brother and I could come and live with you. I was happy as I would get to see you more. It was hard to say goodbye to my sis and big brother. Especially my big brother as by now I hadn't lived with him for a very long time. I was going to miss living in New York but I was glad to be with you in Texas. I thought things would be great. They were, when I saw you, but you had to work so much.
We went back to visit daddy in the summer, after fifth grade. When it was over, he wouldn't let us go back to you so I had to spend my fifth grade year in a new school with strangers. I started to shut down again. I was very sad.
One day I heard a knock at the door, and I saw you on the other side. I went to open it and from nowhere daddy appeared and pushed me back away from the door. I was scared and didn't understand what was going on. You had the police come. They said we could go with you for the night. The next day, we were on a plane to Texas. I left behind my clothes, my toys and my daddy. I was scared as you wouldn't let us use our real names on the plane.
Over the years you made it clear that my daddy was bad and that he didn't love or want us. I didn't hear from him for four years until one day he arrived at our doorstep. The two of you once again went at it. He ended up moving close by and we slowly were allowed to see him but not without you insulting him every chance you got. Not without him telling us how crazy your were.
Mom, I am now grown up with kids of my own and thankfully they will never know this kind of life. They barely know you, partly because you chose that and partly because I needed that. You and Daddy made our lives a living hell with your constant fighting over us. The constant tug of war over who should have us. Over who was the better parent. Did you two ever stop to think what you were doing to us? Did our feelings really matter?
You and daddy made it your job throughout the years to fight with each other, belittle each other and declare each other crazy. Well guess what? In the meantime, your children grew up and realized you were both CRAZY! . We needed stability, love and encouragement. I have stayed away all these years because to be around you is toxic. In my own strange way, I love you but I don't trust you enough to be around my family or to be in my life. Maybe someday that will change. I will never get that chance with Daddy as he is gone now. I have regrets but yet that doesn't seem to make it easier to let you in. I just want to say to you that we were your children not your pawns!
Children become possessions instead of people with feelings
As I said above, this is my personal story. I lived every minute of this. I now work has a home visitor in family intervention. I see situations like this on a daily basis and it breaks my heart. I just want to scream sometimes at parents who can't see past their own pain and selfishness to help their children cope with divorce or separation. The children become possessions instead of people with feelings. It is all about getting back at each other and using whatever it takes to hurt the other person, even if that means hurting the children in the meantime.
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How can you help your child?
If you are going through this situation, I want you to think about your children. How are they doing with everything? How are you helping them to move forward? Do their feelings matter? When do you say enough is enough and change how you are dealing with their other parent? Our children rely on us to provide a loving, stable and secure environment in which to grow up in. If you are going down this road of bickering and arguing, please stop, look and listen. Stop arguing with your ex-partner, look at what this doing to your children and listen to your child as they process all that is going on around them. Then reassure them that everything will be okay.
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Excellent hub - voted up. As a parenting coach I have heard stories like this before. We as parents need to LEARN from it and make sure we don't make the same mistakes. Thanks for sharing this.
Lisa my mother and sister put my nephew threw the same type of experience as you described. I have watched him suffer. I tried to advocate for him so many times and it cost me any hope of a relationship with my mother (if that is even possible) but he is worth it. I don't know how but he has turned out to be a very happy, intelligent and driven young man. You described it better than I could have in my letter. I have felt all of those emotions. I hope parents that are in this situation realize that even though I feel I have it together now in my adult life it took years to get to this point. The scars are still there and they dictate a lot of things in my life from the choices I make in my parenting, my relationship with my husband and with people in general. Again Sorry you had to go through what you did.
Hennie, Thank you for what you do in coaching parents. I hope this can even touch one parent to change how their doing things, put their child first and move on peacefully from their situation without pitting the children against each other and the other parent involved.
Very well written hub, slaffery. You are so right in what you said. Parents all too often use their children as pawns in their battles with each other. Your hub really brought the pain that causes to life. I hope parents will read this and think about what effect they are having in their children's lives. Voted up.
Very good hub, slaffery. You are exactly right that parents often use their children as pawns in their battles. Your story has brought to life the amount of pain this causes. I hope parents read this and think about how they may be affecting their children, both immediately and long term. Voted up.
Thank You Docbruin
Thank You Jherusiat I appreciate that very much.
I am glad you found your voice to tell this story. Such pain is hard to release. How interesting that now you are the one to help other families and especially children who are in similar situation. I only wonder how much can be actually done to help them.
A lot can be done. Hopefully,my role can be to change patterns and help to bring parents back to thinking about the needs of their children, prevent more damage from being done. Thanks for your feedback
What a heartbreaking journey for you! I hope it's helped you heal by sharing your story. Some parents can be so selfish and ignorant. Ugh! When I divorced I made sure my daughters father was a big part of their lives. I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. Continue using your voice and let it be heard :))
I bet they appreciate that more than you know. My best friend and her husband divorced and she has done the same things. It was very refreshing to see them working in the best interest of her daughter. I appreciate the feedback :)
I am so sorry you had to deal with something like this as a child. But I am happy that you are sharing your story. Hopefully it will help others and prevent them from making the same mistakes your parents did.
blairtracy thank you. It has helped a lot to write it and I hope it does prevent another parent from making these mistakes. Most parents don't set out to hurt their children in this way but when emotions run high and tensions strong we aren't always thinking clearly to the needs of our children. Thank you again.
slaffery I was taken into care at the age of 11, I had nobody fighting over me. That always hurt until I just now. After reading your hub I think perhaps I was the lucky one.
Thank you
Rosemay it's hard to tell. I think we both experienced things that really no child should have to go through. Time is healing though and hopefully one day we can look back without so much pain and be thankful that we came out of it okay. Thanks for reading this and I truly appreciate your feedback :)
Yes time heals and pain eases a little but the memories remain. But WE are the survivers my friend.
Awesome Hub slaffery. You have just inspired me. What a shame you couldnt show this to your mother. Your father will have already read it ! Voted up
Inthenickoftime 77 Maybe someday I will show it to her. I am working on the forgiveness part of it. I know she did the best she could but the scars run deep and I have very little trust that things would improve. Sadly, I don't know if I really want to have a relationship with her at this point so giving her the letter would not be fair to her. One day at time I guess. Maybe writing this was my first step. Thank you for reading this and I'm glad it inspired you :)
This " hub"........
quite simply, hurt my heart.
I WAS this little girl.
I would be the mother of 3, before seeing my "mother" again...
Many, many, years later.........I see my Grandmother standing in my mother's place............
"Home" will always, for me, be " Grandma's".......a woman, with so little, who gave every simple thing that she had............How tired, she must have been.
You, have spoken with a voice, that I have been many years trying to find.
YOU, have hurt me, identified me, defended me, spoken for me..........to the very core of my being.
If you never pen another word, or work.............this ONE will not be forgotten.
I humble at your ability to give voice to my pain.....I can not speak of it on my own behalf......I can not......but you did it for me.
There will be no sleep for me on this night.
I wish for you, Slaffery, so much goodness.......
Onegoodwoman
Your comment was so beautifully written and it made me cry. In fact I am still crying. I am so sorry for you or anyone that has had to be in our shoes. I really hoped that this WOULD give a voice to the pain that children go through and maybe open up the hearts and minds of the parents who do put us through this.
If even one parent in the process of a separation or divorce reads this, I want them to know that it is NEVER to late to start the process of change. Changing their own actions toward their child's other parent, changing their hearts to remember that their child needs all the love and support to transition throught this time and to be able to help their child move past this to go on to lead a happy, healthy and productive life. We as parents are our children's first teacher. We build the foundation for our children at an early age. Everything else we do in life depends upon the foundation that was established early on. Childhood should be a happy, safe and secure time in every child's life. Thanks for reading this and I am glad that it touched you. Your comments also touched me and gave me encouragement that writing this will help not only myself but many other people. Take Care.
This was so touching and amazing. I am sorry for the pain you went through, but because of your experience I am glad to hear that you will influence other peoples lives every day in a way that I know they Thank God for. As much as my heart cries out to you and the fact that you had to live through the horrible experience, and as a child when we are most needing of the love, I still hope that you manage to find happiness everyday and remember you are amazing for who you are. I can tell by what you wrote and how you voiced the pain... only a truly amazing person would be able to voice the experience in such a touching and powerful way. Thank you for writing this and not letting this experience die... after all we learn from our mistakes and you will save others by having wrote this. Again amazing hub and thank you.
mythicalstorm273 Thank You. I truly appreciate your comment and yes I have found lots of happiness. One of these days I will write a funny hub but for now I seem to be writing a lot of sad ones that when I read them I think "wow that girl's had a rough life" but really it's been a good life full of learning experiences. I do hope to be voice for children young or old who were never able to talk to their parents. While I am not there yet to be able to give this letter to my mom I am hopeful that someday I will be. Thanks again for your feedback :)
My new friend, Slafferty.........
Parents, historically have not, been able to stop the roller coaster of pain vs gain......
Perhaps, it simply, is not the way of the world...
If we are loved, embraced, fortunate, we , the lost children, will have GRAND-parents, some of us will not.......
Please, God, let each and every child........have a hand to hold on to............
I thank you, and the others of this board, ( there ARE others) who speak up and out for the children.......there is no greater need.........
for a child to be loved, clothed, fed, sheltered........to made to be feel safe and secure.
Through my journeys, I have met MANY, MANY, good hearted people, who would love and house a child..........who long for a child...people who have learned from the errors they made rearing their own............people of patience, of skills, of good nature......that have been denied, the chance of giving back, of changing, of influence, by "the state" for some minor ( traffic , college joint smoking, previous youthful failed marriage, ) offense.
Through my years, ( many, now), I have met so very many, who I wish could have been there in my early girlhood, my teens, my young adulthood..........
Perhaps, a different person, was need in each stage.........such IS life itself.......
PLEASE, speak up against the "state" controlling "love" and influence............please.
Stephanie, I am crying buckets because I am so much affected by your hub and the comments here. I do not want to gloat, but, as I read your hub and all the comments above me, the more I feel so much lucky to have good parents who love me and love each other eternally. My prayers tonight and many nights hereon goes out for you and all others who need healing from your kind of situation, and especially for children who are in that situation now.
I want to know what I can also do for these children? Thanks, am your fan, Monette
Monette I have to say I read the comments again and I get chills from some of them. When I wrote this I was nervous about sharing my story then listening to other people open up especially onegoodwoman's story made me realize that this was necessary.
There is so much that can be done for these children. First and foremost in my opinion is to reach out to their parents and gently help them see what is happening to their children by all the bickering, belittling and fighting. Sometimes it is JUST necessary to take children out of the situation and there is a great need across the nation for quality caring foster care. There are lots of Big Brother and Big Sister programs that are in place that provide mentoring for youth. Our church has a one2one program where we (each family) mentor a youth for a period of time. We go on outings like camping, movies, eating out, just anything to spend quality time and to be a listening ear.
With children I have worked with in my professional life (which are usually at risk kids) the children usually have behavioral issues due to the homelife situation. I usually try to mentor them to realize that while they may not be able to change their parents behavior, they CAN change their own behavior and they don't have to make the same choices that see their parents making. They don't have to go down the road of bickering and arguing. It's important to help children see that they have support and to helped them feel loved. Only then, are they able to grow into well balanced productive adults.
I was blessed with Mrs. Riley, our babysitter who was my lifeline. We never got to say thank you for all that she did because we moved 2000 miles away but I hope she knew how appreciative my and my brothers and sister were. Speak up, Reach out and give support would be my three answers for helping today's children. Thank you for your comments and for reading my hub.
Very well written. I can't imagine what it would be like to grow up like that and to have that kind of life. I am glad you found the strength to move on from this and to no let your family and children go through that type of thing. That takes courage and guts and I respect you for not going down the path that you lived in your childhood.
oooohhh this is an awesome piece of hub..... u made me cry girl.... if this was your experience? i hav e never met u or ur family but am so sorry u went through that and am sorry for all those kids who do experience such.... you just made me more determined to strengthen my marriage hahhhehhehehe
jotkin10, Thank you. My children have definitely lived a different life than how I grew up. They don't have to worry about bickering and arguing or their parents putting each other down. Thanks for reading
Hello again, Stephanie. Thank you for the advice. I would like to speak up. I would like to help. I am just scared BECAUSE I might be able to qualify to be a mentor or a Big Brother/Big Sister. Although, I had a very good childhood and good family, when my father passed away -- I was already 20 y.o. -- I experienced some traumatic events. So, my husband helped me get through it. I went to a couple of psychiatrists and psychologists to get over my post-traumatic-syndrome and severe anxiety and depression. I was medicated. I could say, I am healed now but, am not sure that this would qualify me to look after kids nor approach parents?
Incredible Hub, you absolutely pulled me in and broke my heart along with you...You are a phenomenal writer! Hugs to the little you, who felt all that pain and confusion :( xo
Thank You :)
This is a very powerful hub. I can relate a little to your experience,but not on the same level. You wrote the letter so well, it is easy to imagine an innoent child writing it. Well done.
This is a powerful article and thank you so much for sharing your experience. So many times the child gets lost in all the fighting.
As I grab my tissue, I thank you for writing this.
Thank you and you are write our children get lost but they also get wounded for life. It can take years to undo the emotional damage. Even now as I share my story...I still cry when I tell someone that I just woke up one day and mom wasn't there. It is still so powerfully emotional to me even to this day. I really wanted parents to see that all of there bickering and fighting and need for control over each other can tear apart the very people that they are claiming to protect. Thanks for reading this and I appreciate your comments.
lisadpreston Level 4 Commenter 8 months ago
Your letter gave me that gawd awful lump in the back of my throat that I felt as a kid when I wanted to cry but didn't want anyone to see me. Wow, this was powerful. I can relate so much only it wasn't my mom and dad using me as a pawn, it was my mom and grandmother. Mostly I lived with babysitters and I mean for months at a time. I certainly have abandonment issues. I hope people take notice to what you said and realize how painful it is for a child to go through what you did. Not only is it painful, but we grow up feeling worthless, have no self esteem, feel unloved and with me, I always felt like the monkey in the middle or an attorney always having to defend both sides to the other. It's no way for a child to grow up. This was a very useful hub and I hope the letter somehow freed you and your pain, if only a little. Love and hugs to you.